I want to expand on my thoughts from yesterday where I was discussing how we need to essentially have radical self acceptance for what our egos are afraid of.
I was reflecting on it more through the night when we have these fear based thoughts, where our ego is afraid of something significantly, sometimes that fear controls us.
We tend to spend so much time worrying about it.
Maybe even hoping that worrying about it will keep those things away.
And it kind of creates a cage of our own making because of that fear.
That’s where radical self acceptance and releasing the shame or coming to terms with whatever the fear is can help change that.
Like, so what?
So what if it happens?
Hopefully it doesn't, but if it does, we cross that bridge when it comes.
We hope for the best, hope everything always works out blissfully for us.
And it kind of frees us from that cage of our own making.
Easier said than done, I know.
But an example, one of my fears back with my ex was, and this kind of has to do with a few different things, he cheated on me.
And it kind of touches on what I talked about in a different scroll with the paradox of tolerance.
When you tolerate behavior or you tolerate intolerance, it allows an ecosystem for intolerance to thrive and take over, which is what we're seeing in society currently.
We had a society that tolerated intolerant people—bigotry, racism, homophobia, religious fanatics—that are now pushing their agenda and treating people as less than because of the manipulation that their religion taught them, or washed their brain with.
And because I tolerated that cheating, he continued to cheat.
I had never tolerated it before, but I was in the addiction cycle of the narcissistic relationship, and it got to the point where that's all I was thinking about.
It consumed me, this fear of him cheating on me again.
Constantly worrying who’s he talking to?
Is he talking to that one woman again?
Is he talking to a different woman now?
How many other women are there?
Is he on dating apps?
How many dating apps?
Constantly, trying to control the situation and prevent what I feared from happening to me.
I remember coming home from work everyday and turning on the road and having this pit in my stomach.
I was always scared I would find another woman's car parked out front or at the house because I came home early.
It was constantly consuming my mental space.
I had no mental capacity for anything else.
I was miserable because all I was thinking about.
No room for creativity, no room for joy, no room for happiness.
I also had this fear of not being good enough.
And so when we have these large fears, not only can they consume us or kind of create this cage of our own making, but we tend to attract in or choose specific paths that show us these fears or reflect them back to us reaffirming them in a way.
There was psychology and neuroscience involved, but I chose partners that specifically recreated the dynamics of my childhood, reflecting back that I wasn't good enough.
I chose a partner that treated me like I wasn't good enough, and that helped reaffirm that fear and belief in me.
I got cheated on because I tolerated the cheating prior.
Lesson learned, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to find a way to do it.
It’s not worth losing yourself trying to control the situation.
If you have no trust in your relationship because you’re afraid they are cheating, it’s your sign to walk away.
Without trust, the relationship is doomed.
Eventually, I got to a point where I dissociated and I was so numb.
I had become this person—it's really what catapulted my personal development and healing journey—where I'd gotten to the point I no longer felt feelings.
I was very confused by that, and I desperately missed feeling feelings.
It was so interesting, I started to see myself from a third person,
Almost an out of body experience, where I would hear myself saying something or realize I was doing something, and be appalled by my behavior.
I started gossiping about other people.
I started talking crap about people to try to feel better about myself and my situation.
I had this bitterness from the situation being in that relationship, being cheated on.
Which was all my own making, my own fault for being in that situation.
Thankfully, it got to a point where I told myself, "I'm done, I'm fed up. I want to feel feelings again. I'm so tired of worrying about what this fool is doing, and I have the option to choose differently. I have the option to think differently.”
So I did.
I chose to accept it.
He's gonna do what he's gonna do.
I am going to focus on myself and stop worrying about him.
I wanted to focus on healing. I wanted to focus on feeling feelings again.
I didn't recognize myself. I didn't like who I had become, and it was time to change.
I experienced those fears, and yes, it sucked in the moment. And it was horrible.
But it led me to realize that—
One, I put myself in that situation.
I'm the one that brought those fears to life, essentially by the choices that I was making because of those fears, and because I was refusing to focus on myself.
And two, I had the power to accept it as what it was and choose differently, choose better.
I hope that all of the work that I've done, pays off and the next partner I choose is healed, they're secure in themselves, and loyal.
Granted, I did ignore the red flags with my ex, but that's a different story.
That radical self acceptance ended up freeing me from those things.
So sometimes radical self acceptance for some of our fears can allow it so they don't come into our reality.
If I had confronted these things beforehand, I wouldn't have chosen a partner that cheated, beated, and treated me like I wasn't good enough.
But it's very freeing, once you're to the point of “oh that happened, really sucked. Growing opportunity, lessons learned. Don't ignore the red flags.”
Sweet words mean absolutely nothing.
Watch their actions. Actions are the only thing that matters.
They can call themselves a nice guy—which more than likely, if they're calling themselves that, they're not a nice guy.
Because it’s very much like that quote—I kind of hate the quote but—a lion doesn't have to tell anyone it's a lion.
If a person's genuinely nice—they treat people with respect, they treat their partners with respect, they've unpacked their misogyny and bigotry, they've come to terms with their insecurities, they’ve healed their attachment, they've developed an emotional intelligence and can emotionally regulate—you're going to see that in their actions.
They don't have to tell you that.
You’ll see it in how they show up.
Maybe if the conversation comes up and you're talking about the work that you've done and your therapy and your healing journey, so be it, but ultimately, you want to pay attention to the actions.
But having more acceptance or releasing shame of the fears, coming to terms with them, it's incredibly freeing.
It doesn't mean that those fears won't happen.
But try to gently confront your tears.
You'll feel much better.
Not to say it won't happen.
But some of them probably won't because you're not focused so entirely on them.
But the best part is it freeing up your mental space to the point where you can create something else.
You can choose a different life and experience a different reality.
You’ll have more energy.
It’s so exhausting worrying about these fears and constantly trying to avoid them.
At least in my experience.
What is something your ego is terrified of right now?
You don't have to comment it, you don't have to tell anyone.
Just talk to yourself about it.
What's the worst case scenario?
What's the middle ground?
What's the best case scenario?
And why are you afraid of it?
Is it a horrible feeling? A lower quality of life?
In what way is it painful?
Are you afraid you can't handle it?
What about this is controlling you?
And does it feel good to allow it to control you?
Does it feel good trying to avoid that all the time?
Food for thought 🧡
