Something I’ve noticed I’ve been working on lately is essentially coming to terms with ego's worst fears.
I've done it different times throughout my life.
At one point, when I was a teenager, I was a major hypochondriac.
Any little pain, I was constantly worrying, "Oh, my gosh, this is the end, this is it for me."
But I also had this weird feeling that I was going to die super young.
I didn't expect to live past the age of 21.
I think that stemmed from losing my dad as a teenager, and he lost his dad as a teenager.
And what I didn't know at that time, is our souls can pick up on deaths in the sense of versions of us.
Not necessarily a physical death.
A version of me did end up dying young.
I had created this version of myself on the foundation of my family, and I ended up losing my family.
And so my entire identity unexpectedly went with it, because I hadn’t been able to develop more of a sense of self.
It was like it did actually come true where I had lost that version and I ended up dying young because of it.
I've since been trying to get back to that version ever since.
I eventually realized I’ll never have that version back while intentionally rebuilding the last several years.
But dealing with our ego’s fears, is about radical acceptance and kind of taking the shame out of things.
A lot of times, our fears are based around shame.
I won't necessarily speak on the things that I'm currently working through, because I prefer to speak from a place of scars and lessons learned versus open wounds.
And a lot of the times when you're going through it, your emotions are a little bit too involved where your perspective isn't going to look the same or the lesson learned might not fully have actualized, and it’s an important piece.
I know one of my fears used to be never being loved genuinely for me.
It stemmed from childhood trauma.
While I was always told I was loved unconditionally, I was not shown unconditional love as a child.
The only times that I was ever shown any kind of love was when I performed well.
Making things easier for my parents or giving them something that they could feel proud bragging to others about, like at Sunday dinners.
Getting good grades, not having needs, wants, or feelings, behaving well.
I was essentially taking care of my siblings and raising them and parentifying my parents or my mom and those kinds of things.
I know other people have the fear of not necessarily being loved for them.
Something that helped me change that perspective when I was a teen was asking myself,
“If I don’t love me for who I am, how can I expect someone else to love me fully for who I am?”
I kind of got to a point where I was like “okay, if nobody else is going to genuinely love me for me, at least I'm able to do that.”
That's something that I've also learned on this journey.
People will say the most important relationships you'll ever have in your life are your family, your siblings, your parents, maybe even your partner.
But what I've learned is that the most important relationship we'll ever have in our life is the relationship that we have with ourselves.
It is the longest relationship you will ever have in your life.
You are with you 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year from the moment you are born until the moment you die.
There is no other relationship that lasts that length of time.
Not a parent, not a sibling, not a partner, not a friendship.
I do believe that a partner is the second most important relationship though.
It affects our future in so many ways.
And depending upon who we choose, that can make our life easier, or it can make our life much more difficult.
A lot of that stems from how much of our trauma have we addressed.
How are you treating the relationship with yourself?
How are you showing up for yourself?
