April 20th, 2026

Supposedly, these next couple weeks are supposed to help draw in your best self. 

They can bring drastic, positive change in life.

Essentially about changing your habits and routines to become who it is you're meant to be and whatnot. 

And the last thing I was thinking about with this, I have this concern because I'm just so tired of everything.

Like, I'm so tired of trying to be better and tired of clearly something not clicking yet. 

But my soul has never allowed me to give up before. Like, even when my mind and body want to, my soul has just constantly kept me going.

And I don't think I feel that same energy lately.

It makes me worry that I won't get to where I’m meant to be, or get to experience that dream life that’s been burning in my heart’s desires for so long. 

I’m not sure why, I think it's 'cause I just.. stopped believing?

Like I don't have hope left, or at least not lately. 

Like, I stopped believing the life that I'd always dreamed of is going to happen for me. 

And because of that, my soul is more willing to just give up. 

So I'm concerned that I'm not going to do whatever it is I need to do, that my soul has always guided me previously on, in order to become who I'm meant to become, in order to live the life that I've always wanted to live and felt like I was supposed to be living. 

But then now I'm thinking about it in a different way where I'm thinking about the last decade and how horrible that was.

Where my life just kind of.. happened?

I didn't try.. 

But I did just say I'm tired of fucking trying for the last half decade and it not getting anywhere, or at least not where I want to be. 

But before that there was this half decade or nearly decade, of where I basically didn't try, and when I did try, I got scared and left it alone and just went back to what was comfortable. 

And I hated that period of my life. 

There are pieces that I was incredibly grateful for. I learned a lot. It made me.. 

Well, it made me into a version that I didn't love, but eventually led me to a version that I do love. Or love more.

But... It's like.. I don't want to live that kind of life the rest of my life.

But I also am so tired of struggling to figure out whatever it is I’m not getting that’s causing the disconnect for me to get to where I want to be.