Are You A People Pleaser?

I thought of this video today that a woman posted on TikTok awhile ago, that was basically saying “people are too selfish these days” where they don't put their friends or other people first and they put themselves first because they cancel or flake sometimes. 

You know, God forbid they take care of their mental health.

But somebody commented on it saying something like “people pleasers, this is not for you." And it was one of the few comments on there that said anything along those lines and I was so glad I saw it because reading the rest of the comments I almost felt like I was losing my mind. 

I am someone that was raised to be codependent and was raised to be a people pleaser, to manage everyone else's emotions and put everyone else’s needs before my own.

Society conditions us, especially women in my experience, to abandon ourselves and our own needs and consider it honorable that you're selfless and that taking care of our own needs is “selfish.” 

Like, spreading yourself thin in society and putting everyone else up above you is supposed to make you some wonderful person, but in my experience, it just makes you end up resentful and burnt out in the long run.

I’ve witnessed this happen with not only myself, but my mother, who was the one that conditioned me to be a people pleaser and codependent. 

I’ve spent the last five plus years healing and releasing people pleasing tendencies and codependency. I'm finally putting myself first and taking care of myself. And that's how I came up with the saying

“We must first fill our own cups before we can pour into others’.”

You can't pour from an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself first. Obviously, try to be there for people when you can. This isn’t about flaking every single time you make plans. But you have to take care of you. 

The people that genuinely love you and care about you will WANT you to take care of yourself.  But the thing is, the people like that woman that made that video, that is their response. 

That is exactly how they act, where as soon as you stop being a people pleaser, as soon as you stop living for other people, as soon as you stop putting others' needs before your own, that is how they react, that is what they say.

They call you selfish, entitled, this, that, and the other. Those are usually the kinds of people that were benefiting from you abandoning yourself and putting them first. They're the first to essentially say, "how dare you start taking care of your own needs.”

Adults can handle disappointment and should be able to regulate their emotions.

This isn’t permission to constantly cancel on other people, unless you’re really going through it and can communicate that to them. But more so to notice how people respond and to prioritize the right relationships and connections that are mutually beneficial.

The people that care about you and that are for you will reach out when they notice you’re consistently cancelling to see what’s wrong, or will ask if they can be there for you in any way when you communicate you’re going through it.. 

They won’t blame you or get mad at you for their disappointment.

The same applies for individuals that are constantly there for others while everyone else is never there for you. You may want to reevaluate your connections and examine your conditioning.

Perhaps you’ve been abandoning yourself in hopes you’ll receive the love you desire or give out so freely at the expense of your own wellbeing,

Love,

Jordan 🧡